I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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