imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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