Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
