I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
