I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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