Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
