I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I could make wine with my vomit
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
