sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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