my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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