every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
then he tried to convert me to islam
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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