I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
