I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
