Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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