My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
