So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
