You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
