dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
