Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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