I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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