Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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