Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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