Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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