I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
