the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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