Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
