Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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