I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
