too bad you live with your parents still
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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