my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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