You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
