he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
