Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
tell me about the fingering
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