I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
