My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
