Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
