Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
