Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
