A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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