Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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