Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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