i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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