my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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