its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
