I understand why you refuse to be sober now
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
