She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
