I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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