she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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