I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
