I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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