Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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